The Boulders

If you've ever wanted to stalk me, you're halfway there. Not only is the house I used to live in featured in the Herald-Standard, but I wrote the piece. Check it.

Fun stuff that didn't make the final cut:

• I always used to feel like I was being watched, and the third floor horrified me.
• We had this massive coat rack that also kind of served as a bench-like thing. It's arms were carved into lions. It scared me as a child. Now, it's totally badass.
• That hill was the biggest pain in the winter. My plastic Spice Girls lunchbox in fourth grade didn't survive a winter of me falling and banging it on ice while making my way to the car to go to school.
• The huge tree in the yard is still my favorite.
• The apple trees were boss but messy.
• It attracted squirrels and bats like you wouldn't believe.
• My pet fish, Blinky, is buried in a Clinique make-up box on the bank next to the driveway.
• The fountain made an excellent snow fort.
• My mom claims my grandfather added the sidewalk so we could ride our bikes on an even surface that wasn't several feet of driveway. I scraped me knee horribly on that sidewalk once.
• I used to sit on the wooden radiator covers, because that was warmer than anything else. My radiator in my room leaked water everywhere and soaked my carpet and the floors.
• My grandfather let me decorate my room when I was six. The result was pink people and stars made with sponge patterns in paint that were placed at random, only a few feet off the ground, and frequently had drips of the pink paint trailing from them.
• A huge chunk of plaster fell from the ceiling in my brother's room once. Fortunately, it was while we were eating dinner and not while he was sleeping or playing in its path.

"The Onion" Inspiration

It's kind of surprising that a website as well-known as The Onion would get inspiration from the area, and at the same time it's not. I mean, really. The posts on this blog alone are often a chronicle of stupidity and ridiculousness. The Herald-Standard crime section often reads like The Onion. Related: I most unfortunately had to turn down a position doing crime reporting over there. That was really upsetting.

For the past six years, The Onion has been getting hints of Southwestern Pennsylvania thrown into it thanks to new head writer and 2001 Connellsville graduate Seth Reiss.

Among Reiss' contributions?

...tales like the Uniontown Area High School history teacher who has silly answer options on his multiple-choice tests. In Reiss' 2008 story, the teacher delights in saying he included comedian Billy Crystal in a question about Paul Revere's "Midnight Ride."

Brownsville, Connellsville, and Mill Run have been featured, as well as fake quotes from Uniontown mayor Ed Fike.

As for Reiss himself, he has a pretty impressive resume that includes internships with "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn," "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart."

I shouldn't be as surprised as I am that this area has spawned so many writers.

Meanwhile, in Politics...

We still don't have all our commissioners, y'all.

When we last heard from our illustrious politicians, Ambrosini and Zapotosky secured two of the spots. Lohr and Zimmerlink are still battling for the third, and were separated by only 12 votes.

Not only are the votes being recounted, but they're also making sure to account for all absentee ballots received by the deadline and six additional provisional ballots. All in all, an additional 44 ballots could be counted.

And then there's the fact that officials were only expecting something like a 30% county-wide voter turnout. They got something like 25% instead.

Good job, guys. Way to care about the people making decisions for this county.

Strange Encounters of the Sherwood's Kind

A recap of some recent visits to Sherwood's, the best bar ever.

• A dude bought a homosexual friend of mine a shot. This was so rare and shocking that I wondered if it was an evil setup.
• The same night, a regular talked to us about former gay bar Illusions. Her story included the glorious quotes, "Chased a woman. Where did it get me? The fucking sticks" and "When life gives you lemons, I get beer."
• The best margaritas ever. Still.
• Ask for the Swedish fish shot. Even though they've been making them so strong lately that they don't even taste like Swedish fish and burn going down.
• They often run out of sours. Just a warning.
• Got bought a round of drinks from a nice old man that told us dirty jokes. He started to get a little creepy, though, considered we're all in our early 20s.
• Got approached by two guys, one who told us the friend with him "has the biggest cock in Vanderbilt." So big, in fact, that it goes halfway down Vanderbilt Road.
• We happen to know that he actually likes to fight people by jumping them from behind.
• Got approached by two more guys. The first wanted to karaoke some country music with an attractive friend of mine. The second just wanted to make out and grope her against her will, didn't back off when told to by three people, and only listened to the owner when she yelled that they needed to leave.
• Old dude, Vanderbilt Cock, and Groper all approached us the same night in the span of maybe a half hour.
• Sis, the owner, is the most amazing person ever. She made us popcorn and gives us hugs and cheek kisses and saved us from further creepy interactions.
• Homemade potato chips.
• Vanderbilt Cock and Groper almost got into fight. Unclear if it was over the groping and Vanderbilt Cock trying to get us to leave with him or money owed to someone. Either way, Sis wasn't having it, I swear I heard someone yell, "I've been to prison and I'm not afraid to go back," and we picked up our purses and box of popcorn, linked arms, ran like hell out of there, and gunned it out of the parking lot.

Colebrook Chocolate

One of the Nams's candy companies has a new home!

Colebrook Chocolate has a nice, pretty new story in Connellsville up by Martin's. Stop in, get some candy, get some candy for me, and say hi to my friend/former Geibel substitute Spanish teacher Leah.

But most importantly...

OM NOM NOM GIVE ME ALL THE CHOCOLATES!

More on the Zack Nelson Bracelets

Apparently, the Zack Nelson bracelets come in two colors--black and pink for girls, black and green for guys. And I believe the green ones are also sized a little bit bigger.

Again, if anyone is interested, I can help you out. They're $5 and are going to The Nelson Foundation to raise awareness against distracted driving.

Meanwhile, Trish Nelson has been doing some related speaking arrangements at schools and there have been various other commemorations in his memory.

Drive safe, kids.

County Crime Round-Up

• A gang of teenage girls is terrorizing Uniontown, and not in the usual way teenage girls terrorize people. They're actually beating people up, robbing them, and all that crazy fun stuff that never happens in this county. Talk about mean girls.
• A jury might get to see the very car a man used to run over his wife.
• An Allegheny County property tax assessor has been accused of stealing thousands of dollars from a Fayette County assessor's association. Come on, now! We have any people stealing within the county to worry about. Besides, how much can we really have to steal? 
• Two people from Belle Vernon are charged with burglarizing a Fayette County woman's apartment--after taking her to the hospital. I guess you have to take advantage of any opportunity to steal, especially if you're stealing an elderly woman's prescriptions. During the ride to the hospital, one of the criminals went in the woman's purse and took money and her keys. What happened to subtlety? It's like they weren't even trying!
• A Uniontown woman faces charges in a stabbing. She caught her man cheating, so she "beat his woman's ass" and then stabbed him. I'll grant that being cheated on is, I'm sure, fury-enducing, but I  will never understand why some women think an unfaithful partner justifies violence and destruction. Best of all, she put the bloody knife BACK IN THE DRAWER and the woman told police she was willing to pay a fine for stabbing him. Um, fines are for things like the speeding ticket I got on 40 last week. Not stabbings. I'm convinced that the county's criminals have no concept of law and they do these things because they really think they can.
• Guards at SCI-Fayette were running a fight club which involved them placing bets in fights between inmates. It was uncovered by someone who wrote a letter to the department's office of special investigations and intelligence. That fool! He/she broke the first rule of Fight Club!
• There's been an increase in daylight burglaries, so lock up your shit. More than 300 have been investigated. Police want people to keep an eye on any suspicious or strange vehicles in their neighborhoods and report strange phone calls. Homes that are being targeted are ones grouped in neighbors, more than rural homes.
• A Uniontown man has been imprisoned for arson--in order to cover up a burglary. Good job there. Somehow not too exciting after the arsonist in Connellsville a few years ago.

A Different Kind of Trashy

Another 100% accurate Facebook find.

Zack Nelson Bracelets

In memory of Zack Nelson, who was killed in a car accident almost two months ago, bracelets are now being sold to benefit the newly established Nelson Foundation. The goal is to raise money for billboards and programs to warn against the dangers of distracted driving. The foundation is also supporting organ donor awareness (I'm an organ donor!).

The bracelets cost $5 and are the typical rubber bracelets that you see in support of plenty of other causes, just a little bit bigger. They're black and red with his name, a little dove, and the saying, "Live fully in the present."If you want one, let me know and I'll get in touch with someone to get them. Or, if you're a student at Uniontown High School, you could probably ask around and get one.

There's also an RIP Zack Nelson Facebook page.