Need a Wax?

The lovely Rob, of Leo's Love Story, and former HeraldStandard.com column and Ballet Lafayette makeup fame, is back in town for Christmas doing what he does best--beauty! He'll be at Draybella Salon from 3 to 4 doing brows and such. He did mine once, for my very first time. There's nothing like have like half the amount of brow and noting what a difference it makes in your face.

I also went in with my cousin once when she wanted a Brazilian. We all gabbed while she had it done. Sometimes, I embody all the weird things that make this place the Nam.

The Nam on Twitter and in Dreams (Or Nightmares)

Can we please get someone to read all Fayette County news stories as Oprah? I mean, they don't really need the added ridiculousness, but who cares?

That's not such a bad dream, though. The last time I had a memorable dream about Fayette County, it was about a sniper on the rooftops of Uniontown. I think I was on prescription decongestants at the time. Thank you, Fayettenamese drug lords, for not stealing them!

C'ville Clap

First of all, the "So UT" creator is apparently from  Hopwood, not Uniontown. I feel as though I've been lied to. Couldn't he be so HP, or is that not thug enough?

I was also directed to the "C'ville Clap." Poorly named. Makes everyone think of STDs, much like Fayette County itself. However, I must admit that the silly chorus aside--paired with the fact that it's hard to take songs about this area seriously--it's much more well-done than "So UT." You know, it's missing the, "let's borrow Dad's video camera and visit his tire store" feel. And it's actually kind of catchy. I just can't tell what the verses are. I just know I hear "fuck" a lot. My mom, I'm sure, is pleased with having to hear as she sits nearby.



Although I don't get the barber shop thing. The basketball, though, is apparently a thing. I wouldn't know, because I never played basketball, but I do have friends that spent time on those courts. Meanwhile, I was in the nearby library, also featured, taking out Nancy Drew books. I was always so cool.

Like "So UT," it also gets some nice shots in of the town. Or at least as nice as you can get, seeing as so many of Connellsville's buildings are falling down or abandoned.

County Crime Round-Up

File most of these under, "Wait, didn't that already happen recently?"

• A man was found guilty of killing his estranged wife.
• Then there was a burglary.
• Then there was a home invasion.
• A woman assaulted and robbed the same man twice. And bit him.
• A pocket knife was found near some first graders at Menallen school. Starting them young.
• A woman claims that she accidentally stabbed and killed her boyfriend when he stepped in to protect a pit bull that was attacking her. Um, okay. Sure.
• A man was charged with assault after he made his three-year-old daughter kneel with her shins on a broomstick for breaking a video game strap. This dude not only has great parenting skills, but great priorities, too!
• Oh, wait, something new and interesting! A man was charged with harassment. I know, boring!  But why? Because he got drunk at an office Christmas party, and someone took his keys and offered to drive him. So the dude tried to fight him, then started banging on the guy's car windows and kicked the car. He even pulled the passenger door handle off. Naturally, the nice man offering to drive got a bit scared and tried to leave, at which point the drunk dude, who was still kicking the car, got his leg caught and run over.
• Remember our good friend, the stuffed stolen bear? The seven men charged made the restitution for the bear and said they stole it as a prank. Of course.

Vehicle + House

This morning, a truck crashed into a Connellsville house.

Man, what a crazy, uncommon thing!

I mean, this almost never happens. Like, a pickup didn't crash into a house just in September in Dunbar, sending the driver fleeing on foot.

I know it happened a few times, at least, over my childhood. I remember my grandfather driving me to school once and explaining to me that a house on the way there was all kinds of a mess because someone crashed into it.

As for other interesting crashes, there's also the recent Walmart crash. The driver drunkenly crashed into a steel storage unit then ran into the Wallie World store and barricaded himself in the bathroom. They'd never get him there!

My favorite, though, is probably the drunk driver who crashed into my elementary school playground late one night and took out our fence and some monkey bars. Always prepared for a teaching moment--except for when it came to teaching me math and science when I was clearly struggling, therefore leaving me disadvantaged basically ever since--the nuns cleverly turned the incident into a lesson about drunk driving. We even had an anti-drunk driving a poster contest. I was disadvantaged there, too, since I can't draw. Montessori had a way of flaunting my deficiencies. I'm a blogger for a reason, guys.

I hope those nuns screamed at the drunk driver when they found him with the same gusto they used to scream at me when my brain wouldn't absorb the information that wasn't adequately explained to me in the first place.

So UT

I've hinted at this a few times now, but I haven't actually posted it. And with a lack of dead deer or the funny yet miserable ramblings of my Facebook friends who are doomed to abandon me when they realize I use them for material, I figured now is as good a time as any to resurrect the wondrous gem that went viral in the Nam long ago--"I'm so UT."




Let's break this down, shall we?

•  None of these locations are particularly "gangster."
• The shots of downtown Uniontown are actually kind of nice. Look at George Marshall, being a boss. And the star of this video trying to be just as boss.
• Are they in some sort of auto store? Whose dad owns this place and let his kid and his friends go in and make a rap video about how badass Uniontown is?
• "24/7 I'm 724." Sherwood's creepers, if you ever ask for a phone number, you're getting this line. Assuming Sis doesn't kick you out first.
• Pretty sure they were like, "What can we do to make this a convincing video? CARS. AND HUBCAPS."
• "Uniontown" is too long to spell in a song. I would've fallen asleep in the middle if it wasn't for those hardcore shiny hubcaps. 
• Bummed the street I used to live on didn't get name-dropped. I'm trying to rep my street. Help me out, dudes. I can't really complain about my current residence, though, as it's not in Uniontown. Which means the greatest of all tragedies is that I am, in fact, not so UT.
• Abrupt shift to nighttime? OH, SHIT'S GOING DOWN. WE'RE IN TROUBLE NOW.

And best of all, THEY SELL THOSE SHIRTS. Only $15. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

The Nam on Facebook: Christmas Deer

I don't know about anyone else, but this is unsurprising to me.

Let me tell you a story--a story I've told many times in many ways. I wrote about it twice in college and am still working on the final piece. By "still working on" I mean "revisit occasionally" when I have time.

Like any college kid, I attended my fair share of parties, especially over winter break. Those of us in the area know all too well what deer season is like. After all, we see dead ones splattered all over the roads. Just recently, I even had the pleasure of passing a dead-deer-collecting truck on my way to work. I also saw one as a child. It never gets any less horrifying.

So when someone leaving one such party hit a deer on his way home from my cousins' party, it wasn't really surprising. It wasn't even surprising when one of those cousins -- the one that likes to hunt, who was involved in the picture above -- departed with fellow hunter friends in a trunk to go shoot the injured deer.

From what we were told later, a cop was down there and only asked for a permit for the gun. So they shot the deer and brought it back.

This was quite the spectacle, since guests were still partying. We walked outside to see the deer in person.

I'm a vegetarian, but I'm okay with hunters. I don't agree with them, but the ones I know do put the meat to good use. Still, dead deer are dead deer. Normally, I would've probably walked out and just kind of stood on the porch. But I was drunk, so when they suggested a photo opportunity with all of us with our new guest, I agreed. I not only agreed, but I can be seen in that photo on Facebook to this day grinning. At least my poor, drunken decisions only involve minor moral dilemmas of the dietary kind.

My cousins live on an old farm. One of the old sheds has been converted into almost a party house, with a bar and pool table and everything. It's not terribly fancy and there was already and old sheet in there since one cousin's now ex-boyfriend's head had been shaved earlier, so the deer came inside to meet its final fate--skinning.

Even the non-vegetarians were put off, but not enough. I responded by drinking more, determined to make it more tolerable if I couldn't make it forgettable. I failed at both, as we were out of alcohol by that point. Meanwhile, my cousin responded by saying things like, "That's sick" then snapping a picture. Some claimed it smelled horrible. I can only assume my senses were dulled, because I didn't smell a thing.

By the end of the night, the guts were dumped into the woods. One of the shed's couches also has a nice new fur cover. Guess where that came from!

P.S. This house is also the home of Rupert.

Music of the Nam

The Nam has spawned much music. I don't know how successful most of our musical endeavors have been--not counting Fabian, The Clarks, Povertyneck Hillbillies, and the unfounded rumors that John (Cougar) Mellencamp and Alice Cooper are from the area. I use the word "rumors" loosely, as I've only ever heard either of those statements from my dad, and, well, you know how dads like to tell stories.

It's fair to assume that we've only contributed country to the mix, but this is false. We've contributed bad rap videos that need their own post. We've also contributed indie. Case in point: The Lay Jains, which includes a middle-school classmate of mine. And they have a free Christmas song out for your enjoyment! Download now!