Thursday, August 30, 2012

Sign Me Up!

I hope it studies things like throwing beer cans, tires, and shopping carts in the river. Term papers should include studies on and interviews with the River King and various River Rats. Class should be taught from a fleet of rafts on the river (floatopia).

Thanks to my brother for the photo of his actual syllabus.

In other Penn State Fayette news, one of his professors said, "Whenever I hear country music, I get diarrhea." I'm sure this professor was promptly heckled and sacrificed to the YoughNess Monster.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Man Assaults Family Because of Chicken

Forget finger-lickin' good--this chicken is ass-kickin' good.

A Fayette County man assaulted his son and daughter-in-law when they served him baked chicken instead of fried. He's in jail with $20,000 bail.

This guy has to have other issues, whether it be something emotional or substance-related or a general history of violence because normal, well-adjusted people just don't assault people over chicken. You guys, STOP.

And once again, what is it with people and food in this county? I'd understand if the lack of food was the problem, but people are consistently getting violent because of preparation and quality.

Man, could you imagine what this guy would do if someone gave him, like, a soy chicken patty?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

You Might Be Redneck

Who needs extension ladders anyway?

I can always count on my cousin Adam for things like this.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Oh, the Irony

From Fayettenam Sucks
If you're going to dedicate a blog to making fun of Fayette County, you'd better make sure you use proper grammar. Otherwise, your attempts are a fail and you will be publicly mocked on other blogs that make fun of Fayette County for embodying the very stereotypes you mock.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Facebook Ruins Everything

If you like food, this sounds pretty awesome. If you don't like food or eating ducks, this doesn't sound pretty awesome. I think I was at the Stone House once and liked it. Someone on Facebook disagrees.

"why post ads for one of the worst restaurants in the area? the smoking crab has better in house beer and much better food. not to mention how bad the service is and how little critchfield cares about his employees. do yourself a favor and pick anywhere else. lol."

Remember, guys, if you say "lol" or "haha" or some other variation, it makes everything you say okay! It's the internet version of the "I'm Just Kidding" Defense, because you can totally say whatever you want and negate any hurt caused by insisting you were joking.

Also, if you don't like a restaurant, no one can like it and no one can post about it ever. I mean, you could always just not go to the event, but maybe that's too obvious. Plus I don't trust people that name a specific place to go instead. Why that place, huh? Are you an employee? Don't tell me where to go!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Fayettenam Facebook Page Screws Up

I was a little late to the Fayettenam Facebook page party to see this unfold in real-time--or at least most of it because THEY'RE STILL GOING. A lovely commenter informed me the page screwed up huge.

Apparently, they posted a picture of a kid on a dolly at Lowe's, who they assumed "was able-bodied and just being lazy." Turns out the kid is autistic. Fortunately, when the mistake was pointed out, the page's administrators apologized and (as far as I can tell) removed the photo. Good on them for doing the right thing and declining to make fun of handicaps (that said, I'm not sure I liked their phrase "people that can't help it." So, like, if someone made a choice that led them to be disabled, does that make mockery okay? Confused).

I do make fun of a lot on this blog, mostly weird things or people doing stupid things. When it comes to individuals, I try to keep things critical rather than ridiculing. Making fun of people just isn't nice, dudes, and saying, "I'm just kidding!" doesn't justify cruelty. Let's all get along!

Except some people don't see it that way. Just venture into any comments section of anything on the internet ever.
  • Number of people who said "fuck 'em" or some variation of it: 2
  • People who brushed it off: 1
  • People who considered it "good publicity" for the page: 1. Guess he was right.
  • People who cried "bad parenting": 3, including multiple criticisms of the child's weight.
  • People who cried "disabled kids belong in wheelchairs": 2. Apparently, though, Lowe's does not provide unmotorized wheelchairs.
  • People who said "people can't take a joke": 1
  • People who said "apologies are for the fake": 1. He shall get far in life.
  • People who said "people have too much free time": 1. Y'all should try blogging, by the way.
  • People who wanted Walmart pics instead: 1. People of Walmart is already a thing, ma'am.
  • Angry Mama Bear who schooled everyone's asses and gets endless hugs from me and other people with souls yet still had to justify and explain everything her kid was doing in the photo: 1. "THAT WAS MY CHILD, YOU ASS! It is people like you that need to be removed from facebook. You only seem to care about making fun of people. You should not take pictures of peopl and put them on public websites without their permission. Just because my son is autistic doesn't give you or anyone else the right to bully him and make stupid inconsiderate comments. Anyone who subscribes to this facepage should take a long, hard look in the mirror before poking fun and saying ridiculous things about someone they don't even know."
  • Angry Sister Bear who schooled everyone's asses: 1. "Just to let you all no that's my brother my sister was pushing in a Dolly seriously do you think he would of been in a Dolly if Lowes had a wheel chair to use he is also bow legged making it hard to walk. Tell me do you really know what atuism is to be even running your mouth as for where was my parent they were right beside him as the ass took the picture he was not on any danger it is just like a buggy with out sides and I swear come up to me in a store and I will explain it to you. Oh. I dont have friends on here that like this link a friend of mine cousin I guess is and she told me about it. And it is sad that it is adults commenting on this like child. Why do you think your child our rude and dont listen. Karma is a bitch in many ways."
And then things got kind of crazy but awesome with people defending the kid (though I'm not sure what they expected the Nam to say...) and his mom spewing all sorts of justified gems like calling the page a "cyberbully." Technically, I think she's right.

This, however, may be my favorite: "In Fayette County it's incredibly hard to tell the difference between the mentally challenged and the average native. Anyone could have made that mistake."

Or maybe, "Last time I checked Autism symptoms did not include not being able to wear shoes, not maintaining a reasonable weight, or an inability to walk..." Don't worry, she was called "uneducated" and "a total dumbass." I get the anger, but isn't that also a form of cyberbullying?

So, I HATE YOU ALL. Except Mama Bear, of course. Why did I go down this rabbit hole of suck in the first place? I must hate myself, too.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


  • Fayette County needs its own version of Yinztagram. With, like, George C. Marshall, Joe Hardy, Bud Murphy's, the Mighty Yough, etc.
  • HGB's tweeting some business about starting a scholarship fund. Speaking of philanthropy, I need to check in on the Zach Nelson Foundation.
  • Uniontown's Carmike is a small step above Laurel Mall's. They may have cupholders, but they also have plastic covering some seats. But at least you know not to sit there then, right?
  • I should get paid for all the business information I share on the blog's Facebook page.
  • Now that I have a real, adult job and am living and working outside of the Nam, I'm no longer a stringer for the Herald-Standard. I guess I could technically contribute when I wanted, but I already do too many things. Anyway, this meant that I didn't cover the Dawson Grange Fair for the third year in a row, which was a bummer, mostly because I missed having funnel cake for dinner.
Just explaining 2 daughter Dakota Lynn Marie that George C Marshall is famous 4 inventing the Big Mac and killing a Big Foot in Smithfield.
7/31/12 5:04 PM

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Fayette Fred and His Followers Win at Life

Sound like most of my clients RT @FayetteFred: Got a letter from PENNDOT. I get my license back 2036.
8/20/12 5:47 PM

Tiberi is a lawyer and I love him now. If I ever need legal advice, I shall seek him out. Especially since half the law students on my Facebook and Twitter feeds say highly questionable things about things like Joe Paterno and racism. Plus I've heard stories of lateness and rudeness from other Nam lawyers.

Had a dream me & Naomi Judd were couples skating to Mr. Big @ Wheels of 8 with our hands in the back pocket of each others acid wash jeans.
8/20/12 8:47 PM

Anyone ever go to the Fay West Roller Rink? Congratulations on surviving! I hope you drank suicides, which were a big deal at like age eight--a little bit of every kind of pop from the fountain? Yes, please!

I hear people on the news talk about the welfare state. I don't know where this state is but I'd love to become a resident.
8/20/12 8:39 PM

My boyfriend told me the other day that State College kids were complaining about crowded businesses at the beginning of the month. He basically told them State College's rush had nothing on the Nam.

I hate when popcorn kernels get caught in your only tooth.
8/19/12 12:32 PM

Jeff Dunham fans can probably relate to Bubba.

Thank you to everyone who uses Foursquare. It let's me know how much longer I have to steal your copper before you get home.
8/16/12 8:55 PM

My parents' internet has been out multiple times due to stolen copper. Fact.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The Nam on Twitter: Child Leashes

Just saw a woman walking her 3 kids on leashes. @FayetteFred you can't make that up.
8/16/12 10:28 AM

Here's the thing with outlandish Fayette County stories: people often include some sort of statement to stress the story is real. Now, on the one hand, I feel like the universe had heard so many stories at this point that few people doubt anything they hear about the Nam, and yet when I told stories in college--and even once on my dinner break at work some months ago--people do doubt them. Sometimes when you clarify where the story happened the disbelief vanishes.

Now, I'm not sure if this girl's talking about legitimate animal leashes or the only slightly more humane child leashes. If we're talking about the child leashes, then this isn't that big of a deal aside from the fact that I thought that was a thing of the '90s or something that's long since died. And Fayette County is a time warp, so Fayettenamese not getting that memo isn't surprising. But if we're talking about dog leashes...maybe we've reached a new low.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Nam on Facebook: Fayettenam

I thought I had the market cornered on Fayettenam Facebook pages, but I was wrong. I give you the Fayettenam page, full of mockery, memes, and for some reason a Pechins representative complaining about their poor image/reputation. Sorry, dudes, I blame the hideous stories employees have.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tales from Pechins

Since my brother spent a summer working at Pechins and one of his hobbies ever since has been complaining about Pechins, I agreed to let him do a guest post about one of his most famous and aggravating experiences.

Have you ever had a moment where you think to yourself, “This has to be a joke?” That pretty much sums up my time at Pechins.

During the long three months I worked there in the summer of 2011, I saw and experienced a plethora of characters that ranged from a mother who said to her toddler, “Listen! If you don’t stop talking about Justin Bieber, I will beat the shit out of you!” to people telling me things that I really didn’t need or want to know about and even to a full-bearded lady (not even kidding).

One of those characters that I won’t forget is Banana Guy.
I was working one of the express lanes when this gentleman came through with a bunch of bananas and some other things. I was putting his groceries through the register and into their bags when all of a sudden I hear, “Excuse me…why am I being charged $2.96 for bananas when it is 44 cents a pound?”

I stopped what I was doing and told him that wasn’t what he was paying but that was the weight of the bananas. I then directed him to the actual price of the bananas on the screen, which was about less than half of what he supposedly thought he was paying.

The gentleman replies, “I know that’s the weight, but why am I still being charged 2.96?” 

Yet again, I told him that was the weight and not the price. At this point, I practically walked him through what was on the screen which looked something like this, just to give an idea:

2.96 Lbs. at $0.44/Lb. = $1.30

I went through bit-by-bit with the gentleman, pointing to each number and explaining what each one was and how each numbered worked. I don’t think I could have made it any clearer than I already did.  
After all was said and done, I was hoping that this would help him understand and I could move onto the rest of his groceries and get him on his way. I was wrong. Banana Guy says, “I know that’s the weight and stuff but why am I still being charged 2.96?”

This exchange of him questioning the price and me explaining to him the weight and the actual price continued for about another five minutes. The line that had formed behind Banana Guy was soon gone with the last customer violently grabbing his groceries and in an angry and annoyed tone said, “Oh my God!” and left to the next available register.

Not too long after the last customer had left the line, a revelation. “Oh! That’s the weight!” said Banana Guy. On the outside, I didn’t have an expression what so ever. But on the inside, I was as happy as a new parent who saw their child walk across the living room and heard that same child say, “Daddy” or “Mommy.”

After the revelation, I continued on with ringing his groceries through the register and soon enough, he was out the door.

Afterwards, I had to explain what happened to my fellow coworkers, many of them didn’t believe the absurdity behind it all but believed it happened because at Pechins, anything can happen especially in Fayette-Nam.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

East Park Movie Nights!

This is just pure awesome, no matter what.

East Park has started showing movies and selling snacks and such. Fun times for all!

Apparently, park activities used to be a tradition that disappeared like Connellsville's buildings, jobs, and general prosperity. It's been restarted by the original founder and former mayor's daughter, and so far has had a very positive reaction and large turnouts.

Connellsville doesn't have much for kids to do. I spent most of my time riding my bike around my creepy old house and playing with neighbor children with questionable reputations, and the parks really weren't that great. I always wanted to go, but you always found graffiti and condom wrappers. So this is a step forward! Plus it gets families out and doing fun things, and that's important to do--not just in Fayette County but for everyone everywhere. We live busy, technology-centered lives. Hanging out in a park to watch a movie is awesome.

The board plans to continue the showings through the fall. For the winter, the hope to move them to the community center.

Go out and have some fun, Connellsville. If you're a business owner, look into sponsoring a movie. Think of the children!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Nam Experiences the Most Glorious Sunset Ever (And I Miss It)

Someone I know once dated a man from Florida. He was used to places like Miami. We were convinced that Fayette County would give him the most pure, extreme culture shock (he'd never seen a cow in person), but when we asked him what his first impression of the place was, he said it was beautiful.

Those big, green rolling hills and farms (not including the smell) really are beautiful. We just forget. Forgetting is easy. We see them all the time. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we'll have the windows down on a summer day or go through a drive in the mountains and we'll remember. Sometimes, Mother Nature just decides to get real and force it on us.

Both were taken by my cousin Adam, and both are real.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Guess How Fayette County Feels About Gun Control

All I'm saying is I'm pretty sure the Founding Fathers didn't anticipate mass shootings, plus acquiring guns should be a little bit harder and people who are suspecting of wanting to shoot other people shouldn't have them.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Adventures in Search Engines

This is a strange blog by default. Fayette County is a strange place. The people who find this blog sometimes get here from strange searches.

fayette patch hunky
are there hookers in uniontown pa
connellsville summer lunch program menu
fayettenam pennsylvania
tuiton costs verna montessori mt pleasant
"fayette fred"
bud murphys pizza is awesome
buffalo bill fayette county
ccs summer luncj

Are there hookers in Uniontown? Yes. Yes there are. Gallatin Avenue is famous for them, and I encountered them on occasion after dance class. If you're having Pretty Woman fantasies, you'll get them--if your Julia Roberts is wearing sloppy sweats with her hair in a messy bun, but not in the way teenage girls and sorority sisters rock that look.

I recently moved to Washington. Yes, I had just moved to Pittsburgh in February, but roommates getting engaged and leases ending around the same time means new apartment for me. Allegedly, my block is full of drug dealers and prostitutes, but I have seen no real evidence of this. And I would no. Either way, it's like I'm back home!

Fayettenam shows up all the time. It's probably a good thing I stuck it in the blog's name. Fayettenam is also a pretty well-known term. In fact, it showed up in the novel American Rust, and we need to talk about that book as soon as I remember. I've been meaning to mention it since I started reading it months ago.

What does Montessori's tuition cost? Your child's soul. I once joined a Facebook group called "I Am the Way I Am Because of Verna Montessori." That should explain everything. If not, how about this? I used to get stomach aches every single morning before elementary school and cried--sobbed--multiple times in school. Now I don't go to church anymore.

Buddy Murphy's pizza is indeed awesome.

As for Buffalo Bill...

His house is here.