Monday, April 23, 2012

Things To Do Instead of Arson or Vandalism

Look, I know Fayette County is a massive pit of despair, but I survived 22 years there without setting something on fire or vandalizing something out of boredom and so can you! I'll tell you how. Here are plenty of fun things to do that aren't arson or vandalism. Or drugs or anything else illegal for that matter. Mostly. Some of these activities are seasonal. Have I done these things? Do I know people who have? Well...

  • Go rafting. Marijuana, alcohol, babies, and pets are all optional. Bud Murphy's pizza (and maybe the alcohol) highly recommended.
  • Have a party! Alcohol recommended, minors are not. Themes are a bonus. Try White Trash Night. Dead deer are appropriate but optional and do not make for lively guests.
  • Go bowling. Cosmic bowling is the best. Yough Lanes is the most fun at random times when no one is there.
  • Go bar hopping. Bud's for sporting events, trivia, and pizza. Lynn's for other good food and unofficial weekly reunions of Connellsville's Catholic schools. Sherwood's for creepy old men buying you drinks, the cheapest drinks anywhere ever, the best margaritas anywhere ever, fights, karaoke, and a visible haze of cigarette smoke.
  • Go snakin' through the patches. Best done at Christmas to see the decorations. What is snakin'? Driving through the patch towns.
  • Go huntin' and/or fishin'.
  • Throw stale cookies at road signs.
  • Go out to eat. Bonus points for Eat 'N' Park. Bonus bonus points on a busy weekend where their security guard is in.
  • Go mall walking. Just remember not to stop in the middle of the mall at night on a weekend or security will yet at you. Don't walk in a big group or security will yet at you. Don't wear a hood or a hat or security will yell at you.
  • Go see a movie. Keep in mind that the theaters are always cold. In fact, one summer, the thermostat in one of the Laurel Mall theaters broke and stayed around 50 degrees. Also, some seats might be broken and covered in plastic. Disregard the employees secretly drinking and having sex in the projection room.
  • Go to the drive-in. Sneak people in your trunk or under blankets. Develop a safe word so they know when you're in and they can come out for oxygen. Take in tons of food from Pechins. Hope someone drops their pot in the dark and you can claim it.
  • Go to the flea market. Sift through the stacks of records, but be prepared to sneeze and have hands visibly blackened by dust. Hope to find couches. Get incense and tapestries from the hippie stand.
  • Go to the fair and people-watch, or dress up in your Fayette County finest like, I don't know, torn jeans, a beater, and mullet wig and take in the livestock and tractor shows and demolition derby.
  • Go see The Clarks. Especially at the Fayette County Fair, where they will encore "Cigarette."
  • Get a tattoo and crafts at Crafty Tats. Try not to be surprised when you find out the guy who did your tattoo is a murderer.
  • Go to Ohiopyle, Jumonville, Fort Necessity, Fallingwater, and/or Laurel Caverns. 
  • Go to the high school shows, sporting events, and fundraiser auctions. Plus the church street fairs. Bring me fried dough from each.
  • Either audition for or go see a show at the Geyer in Scottdale.
  • Read the papers and laugh at all the stupidity.
  • Give up entirely, ditch the county, and go to Greensburg or Pittsburgh.


  1. A. I think Greensburg is just as bizarro as the Nam. I was in a relationship with a guy from there for a few years, and the Nam actually has more things to do and more places to have a wedding. Don't let that big box store saturated Route 30 corridor fool yinz!
    B. Don't forget that you can head dahn Morgantown to burn some couches and pretend that it's cool to have a mascot that shoots a gun.

  2. We got yelled at in Uniontown Mall, because we were in a group and our friend was going to use the payphone to call her mom and we were standing by the phone waiting for her. Apparently, by the phones is a no standing zone...